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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Immeasurably More...



I am not sure when the lies began…those tapes that started playing in my head…
“you are not as good as         “…
“you’re not loveable”…”you’re a failure”.
No matter what success I found in life…
These tapes would not be silenced.
by the time I was in college, these tapes were in high gear.

 In college I innocently joined the pastime...
 a ritual of sorts...taking place in every dorm
a little exercise...and some Diet Tab (that dates me).
But this “innocent” college pastime apprehended me…
 and dragged me down a very dark road…
a road of obsessive exercise...a road of starvation.

This obsessive behavior…
was only fueled by those negative tapes.
But I hid this all pretty well…
from the outside, my life looked really good…
in some ways a life others envied.

But those lies continued to steal, kill, and destroy…
not just my mind but my body as well.

After my first year of teaching…I spent a week in the hospital…
a week to figure out why my body was refusing…
It resisted all the medical attention given to bleed the blood of life…
the blood needed to really be the woman God intended.
While the doctors where figuring out my body…
I lie alone figuring out my faith.
Being very new in my walk with the Lord…
my ears and heart were learning to be tuned to hear His voice.
I cannot say I heard an audible voice…
but oh how clear it was…
this question…
a question not wrapped with judgment nor condemnation…
but a question asked in compassion…
from a heart of love for my brokenness
”Why are you spitting in my face and telling me you hate who I created you to be? “
I answered back through my tears in a loud cry…
”I do hate who you made me to be.”
This sickness called anorexia is a slow death…
and I was telling the Creator of the universe...
what He created did not deserve to live.
And with that confession…something changed…
I could not bare the thought of spitting in my Savior’s face…
I wanted to be healed.

Did this end all the self-hatred?
Oh, I wish I could tell you yes…
but I did walk out of the hospital changed…
slowly but surely…little by little more freedom came.
Freedom from every bite controlling my thoughts…
freedom from a minimum requirement of daily exercise to find peace.

but the tapes…those tapes…
they were not so easily erased.

I found the healing of the body happens more easily…
 than the healing of the heart and mind.
Renewing my mind and transforming my heart was a very slow process.
God came in many ways to heal me… body, soul and spirit.
He patiently wooed me to trust His Love for me.
Over time my thoughts toward God were finally finding
a safe place to land…
therefore my thoughts toward myself were becoming
more kind…more forgiving...more safe.

After all these years, I am still surprised …
when I can trace thoughts back to self-hatred…
But now when God comes and tugs on that weed of
self-loathing thoughts…
its roots are no longer wound through very fiber of my being.
Instead, it’s like pulling up a weed whose root system is almost dead.
God has brought a freedom I wasn’t sure was possible.
But praise be to Him …
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

My heart breaks now when I meet another…
One whose mind if full of these same lies…
At the same time…my heart is so full of hope…
Because…
The same Kind and Gracious God who loved me to healing…
Whose love never grew weary…
whose Light was bright enough to penetrate even the darkest places…
whose Truth was stronger than the lies…
whose blood came and healed my wounded heart.
This same God will meet each woman…heal each heart…
 and each one will walk in more freedom than she could ever imagine.

I pray if you too listen to lies...
that you will find encouragement here...
encouragement to let God in...all the way in...
to every lie…every dark place of hiding…to let Him show you and tell  you…
of His immense Love for you.. how very precious you are to Him.
  you His daughter...you,a daughter of the King.

43 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by...blessings to you~

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  2. Lies can grow in our hearts like weeds on a Tennessee hillside. Just like it takes time to get rid of invasive weeds, it takes time to weed out the effects of lies in our hearts. Thanks for sharing more of your story. It is an encouragement to see the way God works in the lives others, bringing healing. Blessings to you!

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    1. Tennessee?? are you from Tennessee? Yes...weed grow without any help...but I am so thankful He comes and tends our gardens...heals the land. have a great day...blessings~

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  3. Truly Encouraging! Thank you for stopping by my blog (God's MOst Precious) - I would hope you join weekly for more encouragement... which is the purpose of the blog... to GLORIFY GOD!!! I want to let you know that I have a page set up specifically for prayer requests. You can leave any and as many as you like and know that every petition is being prayed for daily.

    God Bless you
    Monica
    www.godsmostprecious.blogspot.com

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    1. thanks you and thanks for stopping by...blessings to you~

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  4. I call this voice "The crazy lady in my head." I've been a good portion of my 35 years learning to recognize her and silence her when necessary.

    I don't know that everyone has a crazy lady, but many of us do even if we don't share the same struggle. The only way to confront those lies is with truth.

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    1. I think to some level...every woman struggle with this...He so desires to set us free...living like a daughter of the Kings...

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  5. It is always amazing to me to find out how nearly universal it is for women to have some form of these "tapes" as you call them! It seems to take so many different forms, but the negative, accusing tone is all the same. When I wrote about it, I had just realized that I was my own mean girl. Like you, there are times when that old habit of saying ugly things to myself rears its very ugly head and I have to choose to say something better! Thank you for sharing your story, beautifully told, and so encouraging in its message of hope!

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    1. Oh yes...we are our own mean girl...I am thankful too...He is making all things new...blessings and may we choose to continue to speak kind words to ourselves.

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  6. smiles...thanks for sharing that journey...while not all tied to anorexia, i think we all have those tapes that run in our head of who we have been told we are, or that we ourselves create...the things we have, that he made in us...great point that...and i like that you ackowledge they still come back, but are easier to root out...

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    1. Yes...this is universal to mankind...and we are all still becoming...blessings~

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  7. Why are you spitting in my face and hating who I created you to be? WOW. I love the way He talks to us, the way He loves us. Simply amazing. Blessings to you and thank you for sharing this. I agree with Brian, we all have that tape running in our heads, it just manifests itself differently through all of us. Satan really is poison.

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    1. amy.. those lies do poison our minds...thanks be to God...he is the antidote...thanks for stopping by...blessings~

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  8. "I found the healing of the body happens more easily…
    than the healing of the heart and mind."

    Oh this...how I know. those mental patterns are worse then what we inflict upon our bodies.
    HEaling for all women!
    Dear friend your journey is a testimony and legacy.
    T

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    1. amen...healing and freedom for us all...have a wonderful wednesday my friend...blessings~

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  9. Ro, I am so, so blessed by your words here. I am in tears. My heart has spoken these words, words of self-loathing and despair. Your vulnerability is so powerful. I love how you bring all the lies into the Light, showing us the healing that comes when we trust the Father to turn them all upside down. And this is so true: "But now when God comes and tugs on that weed of
    self-loathing thoughts…its roots are no longer wound through very fiber of my being.
    Instead, it’s like pulling up a weed whose root system is almost dead." Praying that He keeps coming after us {like He does!} and that we keep letting Him kill the weeds that threaten to choke these blooming flowers! Love to you, friend.

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    1. Jennifer...Oh how I long for all of us to be those blooming flowers...an aroma of who He is...xoxox to you my friend...

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  10. Immeasurably more...He Does! Always...and it's so good to recognize when it happens. Thank you for being real, revealing how God has grown you, shaped you, made you.
    Keep up the God work and thanks for stopping by Life, Love, and Laughter in a Large Family.

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    1. Lori...how He longs to bring so much freedom to us all...we just have to let Him in...thanks for dropping in...blessings~

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  11. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog today. Confession is so good for us. I have that honest with God is so freeing. We don't need to be afraid to tell God what is on our mind. He knows anyway. The confessing helps us. It gets it all out in the open which breaks down any hindrance to accepting that God loves us fully "warts and all." He knew you couldn't be helped until it was all out it in the open. Thanks so much for your openness here. It is an encouragement.

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    1. I love He is just waiting with open arms...with all the Love we need...glad you stopped by...blessings~

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  12. You nailed it! God calls us by name. He knows our name, and even if we can't hear Him audibly, He is shouting Truth over all of His creation. You've uttered my heart's cry today. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. amen...He IS shouting truth over all His creation...love it...Thanks jennifer...thanks for hosting a place of us to gather:)

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  13. Thank you for sharing your heart. I have listened to more lies in the last couple years than all my earlier years put together. I think I am a late bloomer. But, I have to go back to,like you said, the fact that God made me just they way I am (within reason)

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  14. I did it too--believed the lies, played the tapes, all the way into a mental hospital twice!! But God broke the tape and replaced it with his Word--words of life. Going on 12 years healed, speaking to groups about it, putting my arms around those who are suffering, and thanking God that he redeemed my life from the pit.

    I think of someone right now who is battling your battle with food. How I pray she will find her way out of the self-hatred. Thank you for giving me hope for this dear one.

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    1. Dea...you have a glorious story...I love that you now can turn and encourage others and can give an account for the Hope inside of you. Prayers for your friend...God is more than willing and able. blessings to you.

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  15. You told your story beautifully. I think this is exactly what God is talking about when the scriptures talk about renewing the mind...it's erasing the old lies we've believed and replacing them with truth.

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    1. Elizabeth...thank you...I am so thankful for the renewing of our minds...an on going process...glad you stopped by...blessings~

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  16. Ro,
    Thank you so much for your vulnerability and the TRUTH you lead us to.
    The last two years I have been healing from lies: "you will always be rejected" and "you must do something big for God in order to have worth." Slowly I've been learning that "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and that "I am complete in Christ. God wants to free us...thanks for showing so many the way! Powerful.
    Summer

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    1. Summer...so sorry for lies that have robbed you...but Yes...let Him continue to show and tell you how much He loves you...Learning how Loved I am is what really set me free...and remember your DNA is created by Him. A prayer right now that God will let you know how much you are loved and treasured. Peace, Grace and love to you.

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  17. oh wow. oh wow.

    i love this friend. as you know, it hits close to home. God saved me through my husband, too... through his unconditional love.

    i would love to share this post on my ED blog if you are open to it... let me know via email friend. love you.

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    1. Emily...we have been blessed to be loved to wholeness through our husbands. I will drop you an email. love to you my friend~

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  18. "God brought a freedom." He does,and with it comes joy. So thankful you met Him. So thankful I did, too.

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    1. Pamela...oh yes...His work does come with joy...glad you stopped by...blessings~

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  19. This was so powerful and encouraging... how God has given you freedom and that you can now pull those self-loathing thoughts out like weeds that have not taken root...although I haven't dealt with anorexia, my husband has also been instrumental in my healing...love to you, Ro :)

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    1. so thankful you have been blessed with a loving husband too... we are blessed....love to you my friend....blessings~

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  20. Thanks for sharing so honestly about your struggles and healing. I loved these lines you wrote - The same Kind and Gracious God who loved me to healing…
    Whose love never grew weary…
    whose Light was bright enough to penetrate even the darkest places…
    whose Truth was stronger than the lies…
    whose blood came and healed my wounded heart.
    This same God will meet each woman…heal each heart…
    and each one will walk in more freedom than she could ever imagine.

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  21. Angie...thanks for dropping by...blessing to you...

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  22. Thank you for sharing so much of your journey,may others find grace and freedom through your writing, grace and peace to you today!

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    1. Rachel...glad you stopped by...have a great day!

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  23. Thank you for sharing your heart and spirit in this post. I'm learning slowly how to turn down and delete my "tapes" and let Him in... Let Him into all of the dark places that I try to hide but places He needs to be so healing and true freedom can be revealed! Leaving your space very blessed. Thank you.

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    1. Misty...so thankful your spirit was helped...keep letting Him into those places...He does long to set us free...we just have to let Him. blessings to you~

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