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Monday, September 19, 2011

#1888...On the air with Ann


This is just where I am…


I thought I would be more comfortable by now…my sneaking out into the blog world. But I still am hiding…just my husband and younger kids know…not my daughter(sorry Amy) or older sons...my friends…or extended family.   Now I am starting to be haunted by the hiding.  And I thought the more I blogged…the easier the blogging would be…to be honest...I really kind of dread each blog.  But I know I feel compelled…one blog entry at a time…compelled to keep going by that still small Voice…and the kind encouragement from my husband. 

I ask my husband… what is wrong with me? Why do I still hide?  Why, when I am with a group of people, do I think...Oh, I don’t ever want them to know?  Is it just straight up my pride?  Doesn’t everything really all turn downward…back to the root of pride?  These questions I kept brushing aside... are now gnawing at me.

I can give many logical reasons for my hiding….first and foremost I am not a writer…I had 3 attempts to get out of freshman English…I think the third time they just had pity (or should I say mercy) on me.  When I taught school…all my reports had to be read by another teacher before they could be sent out.  These and a long history of trouble with school may have dashed my confidence a bit in this area.

Possibly another factor…my life is in such transition...not all the transition is bad…but transitions are just hard for me.  I like sameness…I can eat the same thing every morning…run the same route everyday…I naturally find comfort in ruts.  Through changes comes challenges… and these challenges seem to be exposing my insecurities…and right now I am a bit more insecure than I really care to admit.

In this season of transitions….God has been transforming my heart, soul and mind.  I am under reconstruction (hard hat maybe required). I feel the ground shifting beneath my feet.  Ground He is shaking so what is left can be more of Him.   So sharing the deepest thoughts of my heart … thoughts that may not be manifesting themselves in my life yet… can sometimes feels somewhat fraudulent.

Another frontier for me to conquer in the bloggy world is friendship.  I find it interesting and plaguing all the stories of on-line friendships…friendships that seem as authentic as IRL.   My friendship quandary is probably for another post.  But in short...because of the type of fellowship/friendship of the past 15-20 yrs. …I lost the art of friendship.  Like any skill…if the skill is not used it becomes rusty.  So like a painter…I am learning again how to paint…paint a picture of friendship.  This time the painting will be vibrant with color…will have a variety of textures…  all blending together to make a beautiful picture.  I have been slowly learning how to paint like this… I am still young in the process.

And I am well aware of the evil one who comes and breaths lies …the ones I listened to for many years.  But He still comes…I know they are lies…but they still shake me a bit. 

So this is just where I am...putting myself out here and  it appears that I may be here longer than I planned…trusting God with each post…letting Him have this space to bring more freedom to my life...


until next time... :)
    
                                       ~1873~1895~
~washing machine working
~the blood of Jesus
~the cross
~health
~freedom
~grace
~peace to trust
~empty to fill
~nearness of God
~His Love
~a good walk
~taking pictures
~Surprise on the radio
~Ann Voskamp's voice over the airways
~taking a risk...dialing the number
~on the air with ANN...
~thanking Ann with my own voice
~sweet gifts of God
~early morning cross country meet with my husband...taking "professional" pictures for the school
~grace to host my husband's work dinner...while he was home sick. 
~restful weekend
~did I say...talking to Ann on the radio....sweet:)


11 comments:

  1. Beautifully transparent post, Ells. Truly. You are not alone in your transition. I've been there, done that and will probably do it again.

    What a joy that must have been to actually "talk" to Ann. I have the audio version of "One Thousand Gifts", and while it isn't Ann's live voice, and she can't hear mine, I love hearing her voice "read" to me.

    Wonderful list

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  2. Thanks Patricia...I do find each round of transitions do become easier...trusting more each time. I have the audio too...I also love having her read to me as well...I have listened so much...I find myself quoting the book with her:)
    I was so excited to say Hi to her...I have never done anything like that before...I just could not help myself:)

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  3. I always appreciate your transparency and the fact that you are real. It's hard to open your heart up to the world. I still suffer from shyness even in the blogging world:) Seems strange but true. Thanks for sharing!

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  4. Ells, how lovely to meet you! Oh I so can identify with having lost the art of friendship. A lot of people think I am an anti-social but in reality I just have a hard time making friendships. I also like quietness. I can be by myself and be content. So much that my Bible Studies are online. But sometimes, I get that twinge that makes me crave for friends. So Im making myself step out and I joined a Bible study in my church, who will be discussing Ann's book concidentally. Hopefully this will make more open to frienships and making new acquaintances.

    Maria @ Linen & Verbena

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  5. Christina...thanks for stopping by...funny thing...I am not really a shy person...in someways I am more shy on line...may we both continue to grow with Jesus:)

    Maria...nice to meet you too...great for you...blessings as you get outside your comfort zone and allowing God room to meet you and change you. What a wonderful group to be apart of....people studying Ann's book.
    Thanks for taking the time to comment...
    Blessings~

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  6. I thought that no one knew about my blogging, and then I found out many friends and family had been reading all along. Imagine my surprise! I'm so glad I didn't do those posts about family members that I was thinking about doing. Dare to open the door...like Ann did. Sara's ring touching doornob. Maybe you can find something like the ring to help give you courage? I'm glad I've come by...I'll be back.

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  7. Thank you for your encouraging words...I love that visual. I hope to "see" you again too...
    Blessings~

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  8. What an uplifting list. I especially love "empty to fill". May we remain empty of ourselves in order to be filled by Him ~ always!
    Thank you for sharing...
    Visiting from Multitudes on Mondays...

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  9. Stefanie...thanks for stopping by...let's both empty together...so we can be filled with more of Him~like you said...always~

    Blessings~

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  10. wow, Ro, i wish i had been reading these past couple weeks. im sorry i missed this.

    this. is. wonderful. the honesty, the raw thruth, laid bare...you inspire me. this week, im closed up, silent, reflective...on my post i said that i dont have a story in me...i am exhausted is the truth...and i was afraid to even admit to anyone that i have nothing to write at this moment--but it is what it is. i hope that those reading may glean something from it--in my weakness, He is strong. you've motivated me to push harder, to not give up, to not to be afraid and to go for it--revealing my insecurities and getting to the bare bottom of it.

    reading this, i felt like i was reading about myself. i think we are a LOT alike ;) and you talked to Ann! haha--wow. yes, i think i would have felt the same way. she is special to a lot of us, i think! but i still cant get over the fact she joined your site! that must be encouraging for you!

    blessings.

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  11. Heading toward my mid 50' does bring new levels of freedom I did not have in my 20-30's....I am done hiding...and if I can help other woman not be ashamed of their weakness...I am blessed and humbled.
    Your voice is wonder...keep sharing...keep writing...
    Blessings sweet Nacole...

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